Crazy

Life has been really busy and crazy, sorry that I have not been blogging for a while

Let's see where to begin, last year I lost both my Nana and Grammy. 
I started working at Wilson's Electric Co. and getting payed for it. 
And alot of small things that I feel I should blog in its own little post.

When is enough, enough.

I have said many times in many insistances that I have had enough, but I always go back for me. Is that a problem that I have or is that a normal reaction.
Enough is Enough, what does it really mean.
Parents say it to children when they have misbehaved all day long.
I have said it personally when I am tired of fighting and I keep telling myself enough is enough, I am leaving. But I never do.
I do want to leave my situation, I just do not have the strength to walk away from what I am going through and be on my own. Even though it does matter sometimes how many people are around me, I am the most loneliest person in the world.
I know if I had a true relationship with God, I know I would not feel that lonely. I am just so confused, living in the situation that I am living in is not really a great enviroment to help me keep on track with having a realtionship with God.
I can admit that I am miserable, I am not even sure what happiness and love is anymore. I have an idea of what I want out of life, but it seems so far away that I am not sure how about getting it back.
Do I just drop everything and walk away and have no where to go. Or do I fight it out here and try to make the best of it.
Wow, loneliness and confusion is one of the craziest thing to go through, sometimes there seems to be no way of letting go to what we call normality. Even though that normality is not the way you want to live your life.

Living with everyone looking at you and expecting things from you

I apologize right now if this is going to offend anyone that reads it:

Living: I thought living was suppose to be something you did for yourself and not for everyone else. I thought we were suppose to live for ourselves and no one else.

Why do people expect things from me? I will tell you, I have no idea why people look at me and expect me to do what they want me to do. When alot of times it does not make me happy. I have come to the conclusion, that when you are so used to making people happy, instead of making myself happy. It is hard to live any other way, even when people tell me, "do what makes Lena happy." "What will make Lena happy?" That is them really wanting to say do what makes them happy and not what makes me happy, as long as they are happy then it does not matter.

Does it matter how old you are? No it does not matter how old a person gets there is always rules from someone, no matter who they are. Does that make sense? In some cases, I can understand having rules, but in some cases no it doesn't.

I am venting, I do not understand, if I decide to live my life a certain way, and make certain decisions, shouldn't I be able to do that. I should be able to have the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. If I do not make mistakes, how am I suppose to learn from them.

Again, if this offends you I apologize now.

Living life for me

I am tired of living my life for everyone and not thinking about what I want out of it. I am, starting today going to think of what I want out of life, screw everyone else.
I lived my life for my ex-husband for 13 years and ended up absolutely miserable. And before I got married I lived my life for my parents and what would make them happy. I am know living my life for the people that are around me the most, and for my parents still.
I have had enough of people butting in and telling me what the fuck to do. Get the hell out of my life. Let me live it.

Love and What does it mean

Love to me means, loving someone no matter what the other persons failures are. I believe that when you choose someone to be in your life, we do not have the right to change them. We need to except people for who they are and not for what we can make them into.

We need to live our own lives and not worry about others lives. We need to laugh alot, or we will be a very miserable individual, we need to love or we will only hate everybody.

Life and what it throws at you

Since when does any of us like it when life makes us make decisions that are hard......

Life lately has been one complicated mess. And never was told that love, money and all sorts of other crap would be so hard to make decisions on.

Where in the world is the handbook for life.....There is a handbook out there for everything, why not life and love.

Why is it that the one thing we do not have a handbook about is the one thing that is so hard to do? And that is live life and make the right decisions.

Lazy

Well that is what I want to be. The way life is throwing the curve balls at me, I am just really wanting to be a really lazy person.........I know I can not be that way though. I am just not wanting to do anything.

Michael today got 4 shots today. Then he went to work with dad today. And he also got the flu shot today. Since when did they make the flu shot mandatory. He has not had the flu shot his whole life, so me as a single parent I am worried about him.

Life will get better, I know it will. I just wish that it would get better quickly. I am so tired of life being so hard. When will it get better. Tired of crying. Life, Life, what do you want from me.

Life and what it really means.

Life is what you make it.  If you want it to be full of drama that is what you will make it.  If you want an easy life then that is what it will.  Our decisions are what determines how our life is going to turn out.

What does life and people expect from me

I am so tired of life and people thinking that I am a punching bag. I am so tired of life throwing me curve balls, I am not playing baseball. If I was playing baseball I sure would not want curve balls thrown at me. Life just needs to take a flying leap off of the nearest cliff and not come back. Do not mess with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BovthPByLTo

This is my favourite song right now.

It makes me stop and think about what life is wanting from me.

More about NC

So I have been here a little over a month and things are going well. I am having fun watching the boys during the day. Marcia and I are getting along a whole lot better as the time goes by. I wonder how it will be the longer I am here.
My parents are going to send me money to help me out to get on my feet. I love family and friends without them I will not be able to do anything.
Thank you for all that you all have done for me.