Crazy

Life has been really busy and crazy, sorry that I have not been blogging for a while

Let's see where to begin, last year I lost both my Nana and Grammy. 
I started working at Wilson's Electric Co. and getting payed for it. 
And alot of small things that I feel I should blog in its own little post.

When is enough, enough.

I have said many times in many insistances that I have had enough, but I always go back for me. Is that a problem that I have or is that a normal reaction.
Enough is Enough, what does it really mean.
Parents say it to children when they have misbehaved all day long.
I have said it personally when I am tired of fighting and I keep telling myself enough is enough, I am leaving. But I never do.
I do want to leave my situation, I just do not have the strength to walk away from what I am going through and be on my own. Even though it does matter sometimes how many people are around me, I am the most loneliest person in the world.
I know if I had a true relationship with God, I know I would not feel that lonely. I am just so confused, living in the situation that I am living in is not really a great enviroment to help me keep on track with having a realtionship with God.
I can admit that I am miserable, I am not even sure what happiness and love is anymore. I have an idea of what I want out of life, but it seems so far away that I am not sure how about getting it back.
Do I just drop everything and walk away and have no where to go. Or do I fight it out here and try to make the best of it.
Wow, loneliness and confusion is one of the craziest thing to go through, sometimes there seems to be no way of letting go to what we call normality. Even though that normality is not the way you want to live your life.

Living with everyone looking at you and expecting things from you

I apologize right now if this is going to offend anyone that reads it:

Living: I thought living was suppose to be something you did for yourself and not for everyone else. I thought we were suppose to live for ourselves and no one else.

Why do people expect things from me? I will tell you, I have no idea why people look at me and expect me to do what they want me to do. When alot of times it does not make me happy. I have come to the conclusion, that when you are so used to making people happy, instead of making myself happy. It is hard to live any other way, even when people tell me, "do what makes Lena happy." "What will make Lena happy?" That is them really wanting to say do what makes them happy and not what makes me happy, as long as they are happy then it does not matter.

Does it matter how old you are? No it does not matter how old a person gets there is always rules from someone, no matter who they are. Does that make sense? In some cases, I can understand having rules, but in some cases no it doesn't.

I am venting, I do not understand, if I decide to live my life a certain way, and make certain decisions, shouldn't I be able to do that. I should be able to have the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. If I do not make mistakes, how am I suppose to learn from them.

Again, if this offends you I apologize now.

Living life for me

I am tired of living my life for everyone and not thinking about what I want out of it. I am, starting today going to think of what I want out of life, screw everyone else.
I lived my life for my ex-husband for 13 years and ended up absolutely miserable. And before I got married I lived my life for my parents and what would make them happy. I am know living my life for the people that are around me the most, and for my parents still.
I have had enough of people butting in and telling me what the fuck to do. Get the hell out of my life. Let me live it.

Love and What does it mean

Love to me means, loving someone no matter what the other persons failures are. I believe that when you choose someone to be in your life, we do not have the right to change them. We need to except people for who they are and not for what we can make them into.

We need to live our own lives and not worry about others lives. We need to laugh alot, or we will be a very miserable individual, we need to love or we will only hate everybody.

Life and what it throws at you

Since when does any of us like it when life makes us make decisions that are hard......

Life lately has been one complicated mess. And never was told that love, money and all sorts of other crap would be so hard to make decisions on.

Where in the world is the handbook for life.....There is a handbook out there for everything, why not life and love.

Why is it that the one thing we do not have a handbook about is the one thing that is so hard to do? And that is live life and make the right decisions.

Lazy

Well that is what I want to be. The way life is throwing the curve balls at me, I am just really wanting to be a really lazy person.........I know I can not be that way though. I am just not wanting to do anything.

Michael today got 4 shots today. Then he went to work with dad today. And he also got the flu shot today. Since when did they make the flu shot mandatory. He has not had the flu shot his whole life, so me as a single parent I am worried about him.

Life will get better, I know it will. I just wish that it would get better quickly. I am so tired of life being so hard. When will it get better. Tired of crying. Life, Life, what do you want from me.

Life and what it really means.

Life is what you make it.  If you want it to be full of drama that is what you will make it.  If you want an easy life then that is what it will.  Our decisions are what determines how our life is going to turn out.

What does life and people expect from me

I am so tired of life and people thinking that I am a punching bag. I am so tired of life throwing me curve balls, I am not playing baseball. If I was playing baseball I sure would not want curve balls thrown at me. Life just needs to take a flying leap off of the nearest cliff and not come back. Do not mess with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BovthPByLTo

This is my favourite song right now.

It makes me stop and think about what life is wanting from me.

More about NC

So I have been here a little over a month and things are going well. I am having fun watching the boys during the day. Marcia and I are getting along a whole lot better as the time goes by. I wonder how it will be the longer I am here.
My parents are going to send me money to help me out to get on my feet. I love family and friends without them I will not be able to do anything.
Thank you for all that you all have done for me.

North Carolina Life

Michael and His Dad CJ

Michael and his youngest brother Mark

Michael and the dog Tango



Michael

Michael with his brothers, Brian, Blake, and Mark

Ok so alot has happened since I have been here.

Me and Michael made a move to North Caroline after my husband told me he did not want to be married to me anymore. We arrived at the beginning of the month. It has been going well. Michael is happy here know, it took him a while to get use to the fact that there was no chance of us going back to Bob.

We are living with Michaels biological father and his wife and kids. I do feel sometimes that I am a burden to the family and that I am over staying my welcome. But I have no way of moving out on my own.

Life

Right know to be blunt, my life sucks. I am going through things that I never thought I would ever have to go through.
Let me explain:
The husband that I have had for 12 years, told me he did not want to be married anymore. I would love to know how you can just throw away 12 years of life.
I tried for so long but he never wanted any of it.
My question is how do you get through a divorce without crying every night.
So my life has brought me to my sons dad and his wife. Which is the best thing that has happened to me since the night my husband told me he wanted a divorce.
They have been great people.
My son got to meet his dad for the first time in 12 years. Which I regret not letting him have a chance to have him in his life. My son also has gotten to know 3 of his half brothers. He has always wanted to have brothers. So he came here and has a wonderful person to call dad and he gets to know his brothers.
I actually am there nanny know. I love my job, I love kids and taking care of them. They get a little crazy sometimes but they are boys and I should not expect anything more than that.

Here

Okay i made it to utah, eating something. Hanging out with family. I will post pictures when I get back home. I am really excited about being here.

Trip

I am taking a trip to Utah to visit family. My Aunt Sandy, Uncle Richard, Cousin Stephanie and her family, Cousin Sarah and her family live there in Utah. My Mum and Aunt Beverly are there visiting also from England.
I have not seen my family that lives in Utah for about 8 years or so. I have not seen my Aunt Beverly for about 16 years and I have not seen my mum for about 6 years.
I am really looking forward to.
After I leave there I will be coming home and my mum will be coming back up here with me for 5 days.

Wedding Day

I guess I thought as me and my husband only have 6 short months until our 12th wedding anniversary I owuld post pictures of what we looked like that long ago.

This is my husband and myself.

This is my husband Bob and myself and our son Michael

This is my brothers, my mom and myself

This is my dad and myself

Me

Someone recently told me I did not look happy, I was happy except it was really hot and humid and uncomfortable. My parents were also leaving very soon to god to Germany. And to do this day after 11 and a half years I have not seen my dad and my brother scott.

Our Flock

This is Sally our Amazon Parrot. She is a momma's girl.

This is zaphod, our cockatiel.

In this picture is gizmo, our green cheek conure. which is near the top and Ali our ringneck parakeet.

Angel, our Goffin Cockatoo.

And Buddy our Blue and Gold Macaw.

How they grow up

Kids grow up so much and so fast. When Michael started school, because he had not been to school for five years. Which is because I homeschooled him for that time. I thought I should walk him to the bus stop. But I kind of forgot that normally when they hit around 5th, 6th grade they tend to want to do things by themselves. They do not need mom to do things for them. I guess I have to just realize that even though he may be my baby forever, I can treat him like one.
So yesterday I started to walk him to the bus stop and he told me that he did not want me to walk him to the bus anymore. He can do it himself and he was not a baby anymore. That kind of hurt, it made me remember when he got to the point he did not want me to help him getting his clothes, he wanted to pick them out himself.
I know it was coming I just was not prepared for it.

I am so glad that he loves school as much as he does. I was wondering if that might wear off after him being there for a year or so. Somehting new is always the greatest thing to a child and then they get bored of doing it.
He has his first concert Nov. 9th, Monday for veterans. Which he is really excited about, I am going to try to take pictures while I am there and I will post them here.

First Parent Teacher Conference

Well last Wed was our first parent teacher conference. And I have to admit I am very proud of my son. He is doing tremendous. The teacher really believes that it is going to take him no time at all to get caught up and zoom ahead. She says he is very smart and excited to be at school.

Improvement!!!!!!

Wow, have I seen improvement. He loves to go to school, he looks forward to it every day. I have been able to get things done around the house. And his reading has gotten so much better and not as choppy. He used to slowly sound everything out but he is now reading more smoothly. His teacher says that he is going to soar really high once he has the reading down. He has been 2 grade levels behind in his reading but has improved greatly. I will keep you all updated on his progress.

Monday

Okay, Michael has only been in school for 3 days and he already left his homework at school. So we had to go and get it. I know that is not going to be the only time that happens. LOL, it has been a while since I have to go through these situations. But I have seen improvements already in him. I got so much done today and it feels good to have the time during the day to do things without a distraction. I have me time.